Part three Black heart in a little black dress

Part three

Black heart in a little black dress


Her eyes slowly flicked to life, as a thin steady stream of light began to filter through a small gap in between a pair of heavy curtains; which had acted for the last three weeks as Fiona’s protective cocoon, a barrier against the world outside her four walls, and all the pain and misery it promised.  Fiona’s room was usually a testament to cleanliness and organizations, almost verging into the realm of looking like a hospital clinic owned by someone with OCD. It looked more like someone’s office rather than a bedroom a person would retire back to for some relaxation after a long day of work; this was because she always insured that every ounce of the room was spotless and every last possession she owned had been strategically placed for ease of accesses, every last book was alphabetically arranged, her entire wardrobe, which consisted of all the necessary practical clothing for every conceivable event was placed in order of frequency of use.  But since the wedding, her room had descended into utter anarchy, a dilapidated mess. The floors that where meticulously vacuumed every morning were now carpeted with numerous amounts of half eaten meals she couldn’t muster enough partite to finish, filling the air with a strange, sickening odor. As well as this, Fiona’s fixation on organization had gone out of the window; everything was flung mercifully around the room, looking now more like the aftermath of a small hurricane that had decimated everything in its path.


The air was thick with despair and depression and there was a dark black cloud hanging over Fiona’s head, and no amount of crying would elevate it. She hated how almost anything that dare crossed her anger and sad infused eyes, reminded her of Rose; her unwashed bed sheets still had her summer breeze smell, it had been months but her cabinets where still filled with all the sugary snacks she loved to indulged in on whole Sunday afternoons. Fiona was still finding the cute little notes Rose hid all over the house for Fiona to find as she went through her scrupulous daily routines and rituals. As much as she hated finding them now, it was almost impossible for her to prevent a smile slowly spreading across her face as she read them:


‘I love you more than cookies and cream, I need you more than a bear needs honey and when your gone I miss you more than a little boy in a fair, misses his little red balloon when it floats away’


Being left at the altar was the worst day of her life, made worse by having to   face a sea of the family and friends, who has much as they tried to hide it, their faces betrayed what they really thought; which was that they weren’t surprised that Rose run away and how they always knew that that marrying Rose would have been a big mistake for Fiona, whilst when they opened their mouth,, they tried their hardest to appear sympathetic; they would say even though they would still come up to her saying “I’m so sorry, but it still such a shook, Rose was such a lovely girl, you made the perfect couple” which was exactly what her stupid hippo lookalike aunt Rachael had told her.


 Fiona always knew that Rose never lived up to her family’s impossibly high expectation; they would repetitively call her flakey and that she wasn’t the type of girl to commit too and raise a family with. But what hurt the most was that fact that Rose had proved them right, she couldn’t commit and didn’t even have the guts to tell Fiona that she didn’t plan on marrying her, instead she took the easy way out. But as easy as it was to hate Rose at the point, Fiona hated herself even more, because despite all the heart ache  Rose had cause Fiona since that day, she still loved Rose with all her heart and being.  Even despite the constant, “You just have to move on” or “You’re amazing any girl would be lucky to have you”, that now seemed to play in her head over and over again, like an annoying song she couldn’t get ride off. The truth was Fiona didn’t want to move on and right now she didn’t feel worthy or anyone else’s love, and no one for hers except Rose.  


Every morning she woke up, turned to her bed side table, lying on top of it right next to the phone was a small piece of paper with Rose’s phone number on it. She often dreamt every night that one of these days she would muster enough courage to pick up the phone and call up Rose, who would of course burst into tears telling Fiona how much she missed her and how she was so sorry for leaving her and so wanted to come back to her. But Fiona couldn’t bare to dial her number, she knew life wasn’t a fairy tale and she was more scared than anything that if she called Rose, she might just tell her what she had been dreading for so long, but deep down knew it already – that Rose wasn’t in love with her anymore, and hearing that poison may finally rip her heart out of her chest, just so she could watch it slowly drop to the ground and break into tiny little pieces before her. 


After mopping around the house for a good three weeks, and mounting bills needing urgent attention, Fiona returned to work earlier than expected and under different circumstances than she would have hoped when she first asked for the time of. Everyone expected her to be on what should have been her honeymoon, but Fiona couldn’t bare to tell them what was the real reason to why she was back early, especially too her; over bearing the first slimy creature to cruel out of the primordial ooze of a boss, who had been obsessing over her ever since she had started at the firm a few years back. Fiona made it perfectly clear every time he even dared look at her with his lizard eyes and asked her out for a drink for the 100th time, did she finally tell him that she was a lesbian, but it merely made him even more relentless, fueled by a some stupid notion that all lesbian couples constantly cruised during the night for men to indulge in threesome with. But only did his perverted quest yielded when she told him she was getting married; as long as he kept his distance, she had no problem keeping that charade up.  Work proved to be a welcome relief to Fiona, who almost through the entirety of the day refrained from thinking or missing Rose. Being lawyer had came second nature to her as if she was a duck and it was water. She worked very hard to find herself within a year or two away from making partner at her law firm, it wasn’t always what she had envisioned being as a little girl, but at least she was doing something that she could be very proud of. 


It had been a good week since returning to work, that Fiona was even able to work up the courage to pick up what had seemed to have been the 1000th call from her friends finally giving the answers to the barrage of usual questions. But the truth for Fiona was that she didn’t know if she would be okay, at that specific moment in her life she was completely blind to any light at the end of the tunnel, on the contrary she felt herself being slowly sucked into the belly of a black hole, that had was slowly ripping her apart and with no sign of ending. Fiona was like a shark and work was her ocean, she had to keep moving forward, her mind had to be continually preoccupied with success otherwise it could prove fatal for her. But working nearly 12 hours a day and a empty house to return to, Fiona soon succumbed to fatigue and she needed rest bite from the images of the wedding playing over and over again in her head like a horror movie; her friends where the only antidote at that point.  On the 1001st call, Fiona finally picked up the phone.


At first amongst the group of three women, there was a tense atmosphere that as much as they tried they could not ignore the giant pink elephant in a clown costume, doing back flips on a trampoline in the corner of the room. Fiona knew what they were all thinking, and she thought it would be better to just go straight for the jugular. “I’m fine guys, I know you have all been worrying about me, but since I’ve come to work, I fell a lot better, it just great to have my mind set on other things. That’s why I called you guys” Said Fiona in her usual straight laced, businessman tone. “We just haven’t heard from you in a long time, we miss you, we just want to be there for you” replied Cheryl, a an attractive ginger, women with bright blue eyes and a particularly large bust, a women who was one of Fiona’s only few lesbian friends. “Look we been talking and I think it would be great if you came with us to the London Fashion after party, Barry your old friend, said you should come down” Inserted Emily who worked in bookshop by day, whilst moonlighting as a pool dancing instructor during the evenings. Fiona had once been rather found of her, and would use any excuses to by a book at the store just so she could talk to her, but when she finally worked up the courage to ask her out, Fiona got the infamous lets just be friend’s line. 


“Yeah and a lot of hot model girls will be coming, and I’m planning to take home at least three” gleefully divulged Cheryl in her usual exuberant, giggly school girl manner.       


“I’m not sure, if I can start looking at someone else in a romantic context” The very notion of moving on, or even sharing her bed with someone who wasn’t Rose, was a very difficult concept for Fiona to comprehend, but Cheryl was a very persuasive women, and the way her breast seemed almost to dance, anytime Cheryl moved in her usual hyperactive manner, always made Fiona laugh and thus made Cheryl a very difficult women to say know too, and should have been no surprise to learn that she had received a reputation of being highly sort after in the lesbian dating scene. Eventually Fiona’s resolve was completely dismantled and with great reluctance eventually agreed to go to the after party. The modeling world was a dimension she hadn’t been a part of for almost 12 years, the thought of being amongst all those people from her past was both scary and exhilarating, it was like coming home again to her.


It was a Friday night, one day before the party and Fiona had spent a good 45 minutes cleaning her room from top to bottom, restoring it to its former palace glory; she had cleared up all the plates and clothes, washed the curtain and bed sheets, vacuumed the floor and sprayed the place with air freshener. There was only one thing left to do, settle on what she will wear for the party. She opened her cupboard and sifted through the large proportion of suits, which made the wardrobe feel like walking into Moss, but right at the back past all the suits, was where she finally found It, a little black dress. The one of the very few items one would describe as fashionable in Fiona’s clothes collection. It had been a gift from Rose on her birthday that she had stolen from a runway show she was covering. But when Rose refused to give it back, Fiona shoved it in the back of her wardrobe and refused to wear it, signaling their first ever argument that kept on escalating, until eventually it exploded in a night of passionate love making.  Till this day it was almost the best she ever had, because for Fiona there was no beating her first time way back at old boarding school.


Fiona only wanted to wear the dress, because it was one of the only few she possed that hopefully wouldn’t embarrass by wearing it, in a room full of fashion obsessed, superficial snobby hyenas, which were one of the things she didn’t miss at all about the modeling world. As she looked at herself in the mirror, Fiona was surprised that the dress still fitted her so well, considering her recent poor diet. But she loved the way it looked on her; how they made it seem that her legs could go on forever, how it made it seem that she had curves in places she knew she didn’t have curves in. However the more she looked at the dress in the mirror, the more reminded her of the sight of Rose’s excited face when she first gave the dress to Fiona, and it wasn’t even a minute before tears had began to roll down her face again. What was she doing? She wasn’t ready. No one is ready to leave the comfort of their home, after 4 weeks since being left at the altar. She needed another 10 weeks minimum. She thumped back on the bed, as she allowed her head to slowly fall to her pillow; on her way down she just caught a glance at Rose’s number that she still hadn’t brought the courage to throw away.   She had to call her.  


In between uncontrollable snuffles, Fiona dialed the number into her phone, and with a beating heart and trembling hands, raised the receiver towards her ear. She took a deep breath; on the very last ring a soft voice filled the receiver.



“Hey Rose, I heard you in Africa on the Fashion thing” Said Fiona trying to steam the frequent snuffles.


“Nairobi Fashion Week yeah it’s going great” Fiona didn’t know why Rose had to go so far for work, when she could have stayed in England.


“Well that great I’m so proud of you” Said Fiona 


“You don’t have to be nice to me, I left you at the altar so just say what you want to say to me, you hate me, slag me of I deserve it” those word went through Fiona a missile targeted straight at her heart


“Of course I don’t want to slag you off, but yeah I was left hurt and embarrassed in front of my whole family, I still feel it now, but it hurts even more that I can’t have you in my arms anymore and I miss that” Fiona hated how she sounded like a weak little girl, when she was so used to taking charge in the relationship. But she wanted Rose back, and would embarrass herself over and over again if it meant seeing her again.


“I can’t because I love you, Look I begged your mother to send me your address, If you want come back to me, I sent you a first class ticket to come back to England tomorrow, I’ll be waiting at the airport for you, look I hate to go, but I’ll be waiting for you, I love you ok” Fiona didn’t have any tickets booked, it was complete lie, but she felt that the threat of losing Rose was just too overwhelming and without a second thought it just shot out of her mouth fuelled by panic. Sending the already expensive tickets by mail had cost close to 10 times the usual price for mailing, but it was already at its destination in just under three hours.


Walking down the halls of the airport after only, where every way she turned, her vision was hijacked by a barrage of families, boyfriends and girlfriend greeting their significant others and loved ones as they returned from their long journeys, to showers of kisses and tons of loving embraces. With so much warmth and love being exhibited, Fiona knew she didn’t want to continue hurting as much as she had been, and took the difficult step  of creating a mental ultimatum for herself ; if Rose stepped out of the plane and ran into her arms the way her heart yarned for so much, then Fiona will gladly accept Rose back into her life without a second thought or any further questions about why she left in the first place, but if Rose wasn’t on the plane, Fiona knew that all she could do was remove every last impression Rose had in her life and incinerate it. The love notes, the cereals and the little black dress – well that was until after the party , it was still a lovely dress, but after that it would be tossed into the fire along with everything else. Fiona was tired of it all and a clean break with no more thoughts about Rose was the only way to keep herself sane.  


As she looked towards the exit gate, patiently sifting through the crowds of people for that bleached blood hair and icy blues eyes she recognized so well, Fiona was stuck in a sense of limbo between her heart and her mind, which both wanted completely different things, but no one ever heard of a broken mind. The crowd slowly dissipated and after a good hour and forty minutes, the surrounding area and turned into a ghost town as everyone had left to go back to where they belonged to, to the people they belonged with. Rose never was on that plane. 


Later that afternoon it took every muscle in Fiona body to put herself through the argues, torturous makeup routine, when deep down all she wanted to do was remain in bed and look back at all the mistakes she had made with women in the past, and how she hated the way she always allowed them to walk out on her; Rose, Anita, they all left her and instead of fighting for them, all she could do was cry. Then all of a sudden, almost like an epiphany, she had found herself growing sick of the tears, like a pendulum swinging, they had been replaced with a steely determination. It was time to allow the shark in her to roam loose; it wasn’t just for the court room anymore, it was time to use to help her move on. As she applied makeup this time, it was almost as it Fiona was applying war paint, with all the precision of someone ready to go to war. She looked herself up and down in the mirror, wearing the little black dress that was the last remaining connection to Rose; Fiona couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride wash over her. It was the best she had looked in a quite awhile, right then in that moment she felt beautiful and no one’s was going to make her feel any less than that.   


Stepping into that room was like stepping onto the stage of miss world, every corner of the room was crammed with more beautiful women than you would find in teenage boys fantasy, or even Cheryl’s fantasy who broke away from a conversation she was having with a tall stunning dark skinned African model, only to come rushing over to Fiona with a massive mischievous grin as she casually glanced on either side of her, at the buffet of perfectly sculpted bums, perk breast and lushes lips as she dodged and waved her way through.  

“Oh hun I’m so glad you came, you look incredible babes” announced Cheryl who was dressed in short yellow mini skirt and chiffon shirt with flower embroideries on top. “Thank you, I’m just happy to be done with it all, I’m here to have fun” Said Fiona, trying not to also slobber over the delicious, delicate frames enticing her eyes all over the place.  


The rest of the night proved to be a lot more fun that Fiona had ever hoped for, it was great for her to catch up with the friends in the industry she hadn’t seen in a while, but it was especially fun to wing women Cheryl as she unashamedly hit on almost the entire straight population of the models present, even though she knew full well there were a sizable lesbian contingency ripe for the picking, but Cheryl being Cheryl only liked a meal as long as it was difficult to hunt down. But there was only so much flirting Fiona could do in one night, as much as she tried she just wasn’t ready to offer herself to completely to anyone new, so she allowed herself to slowly fall into the background. The party slowly dwindled to only a few as most left in the promise of after parties, Fiona found herself at the snacks table, hovering up all the remaining nibbles. Then it was that precise moment that she saw her in the corner of her eye, a tall slender striking Indian girl, whose beauty had graced the front cover every famous magazine spanning the world over. The delightful creature name was Anita dressed in a beautiful short purple dress and black leather jacket on top; the mere mention of her name, could make any women envious and every man swoon in devotion to her bewitching splendour. Although Fiona saw her face on the cover of vogue, for what seemed every issue, this was the first time she had seen her in the flesh since the first and last time they ever made love, almost 13 years ago and seeing her at that moment brought back all the cherished yet tragic memories they shared together into her mind. 


13 years ago


Milson Boarding School for girls, was a breeding ground for the brightest young minds in the country, whose students after graduating would go on to; fill seats in the House of Commons, run numerous international companies, save lives or go on to teach themselves at other world renowned schools. Milson was seen as one of the most prestigious schools, not just in England but in the world, anyone who was fortunate enough, or had parents rich enough to allow them to attend, instantly had nothing short of greatness expected of them. But Fiona didn’t want to be a doctor like her aunt, a teacher like her grandmother or a lawyer like her parents, even though that all her father ever pushed her to do. “You will love it at Milson, that what where your mother went before law school” He would spend most Sunday night dinners repeating endlessly. As much as she wanted to make her parents proud and be lawyer, all Fiona could ever dream about being was a model. She would wake up every Saturday morning, sneak into her parent’s room and read as quickly as she could her mother’s old issues of Vogue; she always loved how all the women were so beautiful, glamorous and would lead such amazing lives. Anytime she found any of the models particularly appealing, Fiona would take one of her mothers scissors from her sewing kit, cut out the out the ones she liked so that she could look at them later and stick them into her little model scrap book.


This obsession with modeling was as alien to the other girls as wanting to be a teacher to her; Fiona hated any kid that wasn’t her cousin. She found them to be annoying and irritating, spending whole days with them in a room would be like subjecting her to medieval torture. Naturally this meant that boarding school was a nightmare she prayed every night to escape from. Although most girls just branded her as weird and the social piranha label meant that they usually left her alone, whilst Pricilla on the other hand was a girl who indulged in other people’s misery, and for a good year and half, no misery brought her more joy than the misery she inflicted on Fiona every chance she got. She had single handedly made Fiona’s life a hell, every scrape and bump could be traced back to Pricilla, every hurtful word came out of Pricilla, and every friend turned against her was because of Pricilla.


But that Monday morning, it had felt like the heavens had opened up and god had finally answered Fiona’s prayers, because Miss Jefferies; a short, petite little blonde in her late 30’s, who always dressed in either in grey or black trouser and matching waist coat, with shirt colours spanning every inch of the rainbow underneath. She was always an extremely sweet and always made Fiona excited every time she flashed her smile in her direction. But that morning Miss Jefferies made Fiona 10 times more excited than she usually did, when she announced to the class that Pricilla wasn’t present that morning because she was selected to be part of a yearlong exchange program with another girl from India. Everyone turned to the door with anticipation, in her school there had never been anyone whose skin wasn’t white, even Fiona was extremely thrilled at the prospect of this new exotic face.       


It felt as if the world lights had been turned off, and there was only a spot light on Fiona and Anita, an awkwardly tall, gangly legged fragile looking creature, that looked as if a gust of wind could easily knock her down, but that was what added to her charm, the vulnerability made her all the more appealing to Fiona who only wanted hold her encase she fell. As Fiona turned around the room to see if anyone else seemed to have eyes that threatened to pop out of their sockets, or hearts that was beating faster than the wings of a humming bird, instead the rest of the class seemed to be immune to this dainty exquisite swan. But why was Fiona reacting so strongly to seeing this girl? She never felt this way after seeing someone for first time.   


Fiona would watch from a distance in the playground as what started off as a competition as to who could parade Anita around the most as their new best friend, soon lost its attraction as they soon discovered how strange and odd Anita was; she wasn’t obsessed with the latest boy bands, she didn’t have any stories about her first kisses with boys, and she didn’t enjoy laughing at their insults directed at Fiona, who the girls thought with Pricilla gone they thought it wise to fill her role as Fiona’s tormentor.  Soon enough Anita feel down the social ranking until she was barely acknowledged anymore, which suited her perfectly well.  


It had been a good two weeks since Anita had joined, and despite all her wanting and attending of all the same classes and so many opportunities, Fiona had never talked to Anita, or even shared eye contact with her for longer than a awkward seconded. It wasn’t because Fiona didn’t like Anita, on the contrary she thought she was a very delightful person who never had a bad word to say about anyone, and when she opened her mouth for long enough, she actually possed a wicked sense of humor that Fiona had to constantly constrain herself in class from bursting out laughing at. It was just Fiona felt like there was a tug of war between two forces inside of her; one wanted desperately to push her into talking to Anita, propelled by curiosity and intrigue, while the other governed by fear of saying something stupid, tried to stop her.


It was a cold Wednesday afternoon and rain was on the horizon, much against all the girls’ wishes, the teachers thought it would be a great day to go orienteering, insisting a little rain never hurt anyone. The teacher allowed the students to pick their own partners, which was a relief to them as they gladly rushed over enthusiastically to their friends. Being the last to be picked meant that Anita and Fiona where placed together by default.    


If it wasn’t from the occasional trip over fallen branches, or the sound of feet being yanked out of thick mud or even the occasional yelp of excitement as the other girls roared through the woods in excitement, you could easily have drowned in the silence between Fiona and Anita. Fiona had so many question to ask Anita about her life, she had never meet anyone from India before, and the prospect of hearing stories from this magical foreign land was very tempting, but it felt as if the part of the brain controlling speech had been silenced by the ferociously beating heart that refused to stop thumping against her chest anytime Anita was around. Fiona’s brain went into over drive, trying to sort through every last word she had ever heard or read that wouldn’t sound stupid if it came out of her mouth. A good three minutes later and she had come up with nothing. As Anita and Fiona reached a steep slope, still unable to find even the first check points, on accounts of having zero communication between each other, on the a good day the terrain on the slop was uneven and unstable but the clouds decided this to be the ideal opportunity to add to their woes by dumping what seemed to be ocean full’s of rain on both of them. The ground beneath almost instantly gave way, causing Anita to slip down the slop until she lost her balance, tumbling over, the only thing eventually stopping her from falling further was a fairly large rock that her knee landed right up against with a thump.


“Are you okay!” yelled Fiona, who with complete disregard of her own safety, as she rushed down the slope to Anita’s aid. “I’m fine I think, just my knee really numb right now” Said Anita as she struggled to her feet with the support of Fiona. “Forget this orienteering crap, we have to take you to the nurse” said Fiona with great concern written all over her face. “No I don’t want to cause a fuse, I just need somewhere warm to sit. “I guess my dorm; it’s a lot closer to here than yours” 


The thought of long expedition back to her own dorm, with the searing pain in her knee, proved too much for Anita and eventually agreed to return to Fiona’s dorm. The room was absolutely flawlessly, not one inch of dirt or an item out of place could be found anywhere. Finding mess here would be like trying to find an ice cream van in the middle of Antarctica. Fiona slowly guided Anita on to her bed. “Are you sure you don’t need a nurse, I can rush over now” Said Fiona as she brought a chair closer to prop up Anita foot on top off it.  “I’m fine, I can feel myself felling better already”. As the concern and panicked began to elevate Fiona’s body, she once again was placed under Anita’s hypnotic trance, the way that the rain made her long black hair cling to her face, the way the setting sun outside caused a thin stream of light to flow across her face giving her skin the texture of freshly risen light chocolate brownies, caused every inch Fiona’s body to scream with desire. She had to make an excuse to leave; otherwise she was afraid her body would explode from lust.   


As Anita knee soon regained feeling, when Fiona left the room to get them both a few snacks from the kitchen, she began to look around her dorm. It was obvious to Anita, the girl was a neat freak she found herself thinking as she looked through draws after draws, of freshly pressed and folded; shirts, trousers and even underwear. The shelves where crammed full of books on various aspects of law, but yet all seemingly looking like they have never been touched or looked at, looking more as if for show rather than for actual reading; well that was expect for one book at the very end of the shelf, which had a spine riddled with many a scars from numerous bending and frayed edges from many page turnings. But what made this book so much more special than the rest? Anita curiosity took the better of her once more, and she took the book down, upon opening it she was instantly struck with an electric bolt of surprise.


As Fiona walked in a mixture of embarrassment and anger erupted inside of her, as she saw Anita flicking through the scrap book of different models and clippings from Vogue that she thought was a stroke of genius to masquerade them as another boring book about law. “No one was supposed to see that!” belted Fiona as she rushed over to yank the book from Anita grasp, and hurriedly returning it to its place book on the shelf. “I was just looking around and I just stumbled on it” said Anita standing up in self defense, “Well your leg seem find now, so I guess you can go back to your dorm” Fiona riffled through the snacks in her bag and thrust Anita share in front of her. “No you don’t understand, It think it’s cool, I love Vogue the models in there are amazing, my favorite is Naomi Campbell, I’ve had a crush on her since forever” Fiona was flabbergasted she never thought she would ever share a passion for models with anyone, especially with someone from half way around the world. “That is so cool, I read all my mum’s issues before she has a chance to throw them away” Said Fiona as she walked withdraw the book once more from the shelf and placed it on her bed in between them. “Well my mum would never dare let me read it, she says they promote young girls to have sex, but she doesn’t know I’ve been subscribing to them ever since I was 12, but even though I’m 18 now I still have to keep it a secret from her and my dad”. 


For the first time the two of them where able to speak freely with each other, their talk of modeling soon became talk about life and their parents. Anita came from a family of doctors, and they refused their daughter from even thinking about pursing anything that wasn’t to do with medicine. Most of her childhood was spent under the strict thumb of her parents; it had seemed her entire life had been planned out by them even before she was born.   She would graduate top of all her classes in India by 16, go to the most prestigious medical universities in either England or America by 19, married to a husband they had already picked out by 20, after that she would become a qualified doctor by 26, and then eventually mother by 28.  Anita wouldn’t be surprised if they had already planned for her death as well.  


Fiona never really had that much friends growing up, coming from a largely sheltered up bring and even coming to Milsons she rarely had anyone to talk too, which meant that she always felt uncomfortable in the company of strangers, but she didn’t feel that way when she was talking to Anita. It felt to her that they had known each other all their lives, and all the ostracizing and name calling that made life so difficult for her, was just so when Fiona found someone who she connect with, it made it all the more special. It made everything all worth it. That one single night turned into a 6 days straight; the girls would wait until lights out, then they will takes turns as to who would go to whose dorm. They would then spend the entire night eating snacks they swiped from the kitchen and gossip about their favorite things; such as; models, food, movies and music. The more they spent with each other the more it became difficult for Fiona during the times they weren’t together, not to stop thinking about Anita.  Fiona found it strange she never got any butterflies or that unexplainable feeling of excitement when she was around any guy, even when she went to school with them and other girls would gush about the hot guys from the football team, Fiona never could understand the infatuation and thought maybe she didn’t like football players that much. Yet anytime when she was with Anita she felt those butterflies and that unexplainable excitement.  But Fiona wouldn’t know the reason behind that until the camping trip that Sunday.


It felt that they were in their own little protective bumble, and the world outside seamed to slowly fade away as if someone the plug was pulled out of the sink. The rest of the class sprawled out in front of them, trudging up the mountain with great discomfort and annoyance, whilst Fiona and Anita hanged back talking with great effervescence as they took it in turns constructing absurd stories entirely comprised with words starting with each certain letter of the alphabet.   


The long trek finally wound up to an end as their geography teacher finally guided all the students to the top of the mountain. The sky had become awash with a incandesce collage of dark purples, violent reds and mustard yellows. After a long geography lecture based around the different types of rock and the various applications of them in the modern world, which most of the students played little attention too, more concerned with who was going to stay in whose tent and where best to place them. The moon slowly raised into the sky, taking up its usual shift as prevailing shepherd to all lonely travelers in the mystery of night.   


Fiona’s was gently rocked awake by an angle named Anita, who had excitedly beckoned her out of her tent. “Come with me, I saw the most amazing place when I was searching for a place to pee”. Anita grabbed Fiona arm and dragged a sleepy, disorientated Fiona up a small path, and a long steep decline for what seemed forever, before finally reaching an assembly of trees, Fiona was finally led in between some shrubbery at the center of the largest cluster of trees. Stepping through them felt like stepping through a combination of the secret garden and the wardrobe to Narnia, as they bent down and crawled through a small gap under a fallen tree, framed by large bushes. Fiona found herself in the most amazing clearing, boarded on all sides by low draping trees, with small spaces in between the branches to allow the moonlight to sprinkle in between. The place looked as if it was being lit by a slowly rotating disco ball as the branches where gently rocked by a light cool breeze.  They lay against each other as looked they up at all the hypnotic shapes being broadcasted around the place, like their own private movie theatre playing nothing butpsychedelic and kaleidoscopic patterns. As Fiona felt Anita hand barely brushing against her own, she felt a sudden rush of adrenaline shooting around her body faster than a jolt of pain. It seemed as if her mind was in no longer in control of her body, it was a truly out of body experience as she could do nothing but watch as her body slowly raised up, allowing her to be face to face with Anita, as the light gradually traced from the top of her head, past eyes and towards her lips, Fiona found herself being enticed in to them.   


Her mind was a battle field between her mind trying to make her stop, telling her that what she was doing was mistake and would ruin their friendship, whilst the other side was in pure euphoria, relishing the taste if Anita soft lips, her smell, the smoothness of her skin as Fiona ran her hand a long her arms.  Fiona sensing some hesitation in Anita, quickly pulled back, “I’m so sorry” as she got up with a flood of embarrassment filling her. But suddenly a soft caramel hand clutched her wrist, while the other was placed on her shoulder and slowly guided Fiona towards herself.  


The kissing rampantly grew in passion, their bodies where no longer satisfied with the touch of each other’s lips, they craved so much more. Now they could no longer suppress their desire to be truly interment, they began to clumsily remove each other clothes, with all the uncertainty and awkwardness of what you would expect from two girls who had never been intimate with another human being before. Their topless bodies began to gently intertwine; the warmth of Anita skin was like being next a farness, as her breaths grew shallower and quicker as Fiona slid her hand into Anita Saturn purple underwear. Anita guided Fiona onto the floor as she ran her hand up and down her thigh as she tenderly sucked Fiona right nipple whilst caressing her left.  The love making finally reached its climatic peak as Anita gently rubbed Fiona clitoris, until Fiona let out a shriek of pleasure. And it was over as quickly as it had started, short and sweet but both felt entirely fulfilled. Fiona calmly lay down, still bathing in the post coitus glow whilst Anita began hurriedly placing on all her clothes. “What’s wrong, where are you going?” but Anita just remained silent and once all clothes where back on, she bolted out of the clearing and disappeared out of sight.


Fiona returned back to her tent, feeling a painful combination of rejection and surprise; later due to the fact she had slept with another women and the other was the way Anita had reacted as if they had done something wrong. To Fiona it wasn’t wrong, so why should she be made to feel like a criminal for expressing what she knew in her heart, was something completely beautiful and meaningful; regardless if it was between a man and a woman or two women.  The morning after as the entire class made its way back down a slope, all of a sudden Anita found herself best friends with Cleo and Rebecca, also known as the Barbie doll twins. But Fiona could see through the rouse, especially as every time she tried to get even within a meter close to Anita, she suddenly break out into another spontaneous discussion with the twins on their favorite subject; The Backstreet Boys, and which of member of the band did they think were the cutest,   Rebecca loved Nick because she was obsessed with his hair, while Cleo adored AJ because he seemed like the bad boy of the group. Fiona could see that Anita hated every word they said on the topic, but it seemed it was better that then speaking to her.


The next few weeks that proceeded that night under the stars played, played like a DVD on loop. The people talking where different and the subjects changed, but what remained the same was the fact Anita would use any excuse not to talk to Fiona. Every passing day that Anita even refused to share a glance in a direction longer than a heartbeat, was like an excoriating grenade being detonated in Fiona’s chest, sending razor sharp shrapnel into her heart. Fiona didn’t want to go up to Anita and talk about what was happening and had happened, feeling that Anita would  need her space, on account that this was a massive thing for her because she knew girls from her background weren’t meant to sleep with other girls. But as the weeks continued to pass further Fiona began to realize that she had as much to lose as Anita did, her parents wouldn’t be any more pleased with the situation either, and as this thought began to circulate around Fiona’s mind more often, the hurting she was constantly feeling began to slowly but surely swirl and boil up into a wrath, and there was no more avoiding her, Anita was going to receive a piece of her mind. 


A month since that night under the stars, Fiona left it until 12 am when everyone else had gone to sleep, to walk out of her a dorm and make her way to Anita’s. She knocked the door in a strange blend that started as a quiet tap but would rapidly drift into a furies thud and, until she realizes the threat of being caught did it return to a quiet tap again.  Anita drowsily opened the door, but quickly her sleepiness was suddenly jolted to full awareness as the sight of vexed Fiona wrapped up in a thick woolen dressing gown stood before her. Even before she could react to her presence, Fiona shot past Anita and stood right behind her in the middle of the room glaring straight back at Anita. As soon as Anita had closed the door was when Fiona let out a barrage of every last thought in her mind that had sprouted up there since that night, that she had been to understanding and patient to have told Anita when she had ignoring her. Fiona hardly paused for a breath; all Anita could do was sit on a chair looking on at Fiona pacing back and forth, soon her eyes began to fill up with tears. “I’m sorry, you just don’t understand what my parents would do if they found out, it would destroy them” said Anita trying her hardest to subdue the overwhelming of emotion pouring from a slender frame. “I know that of course I do, but I think I’m falling in love you and no one is going to tell me that a bad thing, fuck what they think” Said Fiona as she sat down next Anita and took her hand into hers.


That was it, all it took was a frank discussion between the two for of them, confiding their fears and concerns to each other, until all the last few weeks seemed to blur away into an afterthought, all that mattered was now and the love they shared for each other. That’s when it happened; they finally decided to hatch a plan to run away with each other to London, rent out a cheap flat, paid for by part time jobs in restaurants and bars, whilst maybe in time they could also contribute the money they made from modeling to that. Basking in the thrill of their impending adventure, the temperature raised up highly again, and both for they could allow any outside sources interfere with their love, they began making love once again, only this time with more ferocity that grew out of there increase in confidence over how to please each other. The hot steamy night, soon dissolved into a cold chilly morning, Fiona thought it wouldn’t have been weird if she was found walking out of Anita room in the morning as everyone would be none the wiser, but she hadn’t counted on a certain spawn of Satan contracting an illness and returning early from India.  


As both Fiona and Anita’s eyes slowly flicked awake as the light began to stream in from, they both awake to see their lovely little cocoon of love, instantly burnt down in flames, as their worst nightmares began to materialize before them, as standing right there in the flesh in front of them was Anita’s parents.


The story was this, Pricilla had contracted an illness from drinking water from a well done the road from her hotel, she then found herself being repeatedly sick for a good 2 week afterwards, but she refused every doctor over there, so there was no choice but for her to return home. Upon returning from India late the other night, the doctor had given her the all clear and said it was just a stomach bug that could be cleared with a few antibiotics, she was sent back to her dorm but her roommate refused her entry encase the illness was infectious, so the only person left without a roommate was Anita, but stepping into Anita room was when she found them in bed together. It wasn’t too long before Anita’s parents were called on accounts of breaching of rules about the students having sex; Anita parents strict stance on sex and the unthinkable of it being with another women meant that they were furious and disgusted, so instantly caught the next plane to England.


Anita father yanked her out of bed and marched her outside past the armies of girls stepping out of their rooms to investigate the disturbance, and into an awaiting car. Fiona ran after them, but it was no good, the car disappeared into the horizon, signaling the last time she Anita for another 13 years. Later that day her parents came to school in disgusted at the embarrassment their daughter had caused to them, but they allowed her to stay at Milson’s after the school decided not to dismiss Fiona on accounts of the entire trauma of watching Anita being taken away and because of Fiona being a model student. But Fiona was so enraged by everything, that it was barely 8 hours after the whole ordeal that she put together every last saving she had and hopped on the late night train to London. Only calling in once a day to her mother, so as to avoid her parents calling the police; Fiona spent the entirety of the next year doing what she and Anita had planned, but soon the modeling jobs grow spares and Fiona began to grow disillusioned with the modeling world, it meant nothing as long as Anita wasn’t by her side as she thought against the constant rejection amongst competition, that would rather see you choke on your dinner than get a call back ahead of them. With her tail between her legs, Fiona returned home and eventually succumbed to her father’s ambitions for her.  




 And there she was, the ever person she fell in love with, at the time it felt as if an impossible task of getting over Anita, but as the year went past broken wounds began to heal. But there was still an air of curiosity of what could have been; was it merely the lust of youth and brought them together, all did it run a lot deeper than that. Fiona had still so many questions to ask Anita; what did her parents do to her when they returned to India? How did she break away from her family’s strict code of honor to going on to being voted one of the sexist women in the world in Maxim’s 2013 list? And did Anita think about her, as much as Fiona thought about her? The question swirled around her with the intensity of a tornado ripping through a small village. A part of her wanted to just turn around and go back home, cocoon herself in her blanket that served well to protect herself against the harsh reality constantly breaking her down, but the question of what could have been, would have weighed to heavily on her. Fiona was sick of being hurt, but she was even sicker of watching herself being beaten so easily. Her father was a man who had told her many things, but the most important one was that life only beat you down, just to make you stronger for when the true test came along so that you could take them head on.


Fiona took a deep breath, she watched Anita for a heat beat, as she began to move through the room without any real sense of purpose and belonging, after all those years she still was that same dainty exquisite swan hidden under that wealth of success and faux sexual fire power. Fiona took a leap of faith; she stepped forward and kept on walking despite the inner voices trying their hardest to make her turn around. But she kept on moving, until she stood behind Anita. “Hey remember me”   





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