How to Ignore all the rules of survival in a horror film

Most of the scenarios are based around the events of Cabin in the Woods which I feel embodies perfectly the slasher film genre, but with some changes to incorporate other famous horror films. Also the scenarios are told from the perspectives of all the horror film archetypes; the final girl, the slutty cheerleader, the nice guy, the jock and the nerd/pothead.

Let’s start off with the final girl. You’re getting ready for your first day at a new college, you look in the mirror. Your reflection tells you that you’re not overtly dripping in sex appeal but you are certainly attractive in a girl next door sort of way. Certainly not the first person a guy notices in the room, but certainly the type of girl he will eventually fall in love with and marry. But you sooner pride yourself on you good heart, sharp intellect; love for all that is Mother Nature and your coveted virginal purity. Oh, you had drunken sex with your old high school teacher, on your 20th birthday? Okay you have just committed the first horror film scene, but its fine I’m sure the Boogeyman doesn’t know that. It was filmed in secret and put all over Facebook?! Okay don’t panic I’m pretty sure Chucky doesn’t have Facebook, although I did receive a friend request from someone called Charles Lee Ray. First lesson of the day, no sex before marriage! Because if you’re a virgin, even If its Jason, The Candy Man or Freddy, they can try their sadistic hardest to kill you, but no matter what you would survive. The celibacy card is the equivalent to Iron mans suit in a horror film world.

So you go to school, everything goes well during classes; you ace every test and quickly become the apple of every teacher’s eye. Education time is over, now it’s the social aspects of college, time to pick some new friends. Stop! This is probably going to be the panicle decision that will determine whether; you’re going to live a long full, fulfilled and enjoyable life involving career, marriage and a couple of rag rats running around, then retiring to a lovely old folks home in Florida. Or lying dead in a ditch in the middle of a forest, and that’s only if you’re lucky enough not to the girl who gets her girl next door face eaten of by the Leather Face;

A) Befriend the pot head, the jock, the college slut and the nice guy
B) Relegate yourself to perpetual isolation and loneliness
C) Join the chess club

If you choose B you could have been getting straight A’s and if you choose C you will have learned a valuable life skill. But no you looked into the deep shimmering blue pool that is that nice guy’s eyes and you laughed at the pontificating rambling of the pot head. Even though you have literally nothing in common with the college slut, you still like her because you can see the goodness buried deep, deep down in the darkest inner depths of her heart and the jock is simply just something nice to look at. So you choose ‘A’, congratulations just like Cabin in the Woods, Cabin Fever and the Friday the 13th remake and practically every other horror film ever conceived, you are terrible judge of good character meaning you officially started the countdown to your demise, but fear not it can still be stopped. Lesson here choose your friends wisely.

For a pothead like you, the school term has been constant marijuana induced purple haze, and now it’s all over and summer is now here! Which means you reach another crucial junction; the jock reveals to everyone that he has a distant uncle he didn’t even know existed, who just happens to own a deserted cabin in the woods in the middle of nowhere and is completely happy to allow a group of irresponsible, sex addicted and alcohol fueled 20 year olds to use it. Everyone else replies with a resounding yes, including the final girl who you have developed a major secret crush on. But your gut instincts leave you skeptical about the situation, so you are the last one to give a reply. Tick, tock. Times up! What are you going to say?

A) Yes I would love to spend my summer holidays in a run down, rat infested cabin
B) Oh sorry guys, I got plans to spend a little overdo quality time with my Mumzy
C) Disney Land anybody?

Did you just say A! Just like in cabin in the woods and Cabin Fever you didn’t listen to your gut did you! Instead you succumbed to peer pressure and effectively sealed the fate of your friends. I don’t like to sound like I’m whining, but if you did choose Disney land than you guys would have spent a weekend surrounded by lots of nonthreatening children instead of chain wielding maniacs. Then you would be riding on rollercoaster’s instead of the back of an old pickup truck driven by one of the hillbilly cannibals from the Wrong turn.

Okay miss slutty cheerleader, so you’re half way into your road trip into potential doom, but you need to tinkle and stop for fuel. The only option is a secluded gas station that looks like a heavily used Nevada test site since the 1950’s. But you have little choice except to pull over because you’re bursting, need to get more condoms for your planned sex marathon in the woods. Instantly the gas station attendant doesn’t take a liking to the jock for no apparent reason; however deep down we all know it’s because he is a good douche bag detector. Later while you and the final girl decide to go to the toilets together, the jock proves his douche bag status when he is caught insulting the withered, hideous monstrosities that are the friends of the attendant by liking them to a member of a freak show, but instead of apologising he gets into a heated exchange of words with them. Being the tentative careering people you girls are, both of you rush up to try and help cool every one down, but before you reach the situation you are intercepted by a raggedy old man who claims that you and your friends must turn around or for your own safety. What do you do next?
A) Ignore the old man
B) Listen to him, then hug him for saving your life and the lives of your friends
C) Convince the final girl that the old man is merely a pervert who once her to flash him a tit

If you just listened to awhile longer to the ancient bag of bones, you probably would have heard a pretty interesting war story, a lecture on how the kids of today have gone soft, but most importantly the key to your salvation. Instead you ignored him probably one of the few people you will meet in this horror film that doesn’t want to bludgeon you to death with a slipper and of course the douche bag jock probably just sealed all your fates. The lesson here is always being nice to people especially when they look like people from a freak show.

Okay so now you are the jock and have arrived in the cabin; from the outside it’s not necessary looking like the Ritz, but at the same times a few notches above crack den. Inside the cabin looks a whole lot better that expected, rustic decor, rug carpets and an open fire places. There is only two bedrooms and naturally you and the slut take one, leaving the nice guy and the pothead to camp out in the living room because the nice guy was too much of a nice guy to ask to bang, I mean room with the final girl. After all the sleeping arrangements are sorted out, everyone decides to go exploring. Naturally there is a basement, there is always basement. As soon as you step into the basement, the pothead gets the willies, but everyone ignores him. Venturing further in, you eventually find an old tape recorder, despite the final girls protest you hit the play button. On the tape we begin to here a man talking about the book of the dead, the half way though he begins to recite the ancient passages in Latin. What do you do next?

A) Smash the recorder on the floor and drops to your knees and pray
B) Before the recording is finished make an excuse to go to the toilet, once outside take the car and leave those fuckers behind.
C) Continue listening to the recorder even when a strange gust of wind sweeps into the basement, despite the door being closed and basement light begins to flicker, even though there is no electricity in the middle of the woods.

Nice, you got Dr Dre and Snopp Dogg blasting on the radio, the wind sweeps through your hair and you got a delicious breakfast burrito in your…oh wait you didn’t go for C did you? Jesus man comes on! That was the worst thing you could have done, Latin is a dead language for a reason, because when you hear it, you usually end up dead! Plus nothing good ever happens when someone is speaking in Latin, have you never seen the Evil Dead?! Well don’t worry, there is still five off you, I’m sure nothing can happen when you are in a big group. The lesson, don’t touch peoples shit, especially when you find it in a basement!

Okay so you are the pothead. The nice guy is fast asleep on the couch, but you are in bad need of some class C drugs, but the nice guy asked you not blaze up in the cabin, because of some bullshit about fire safety. Gosh what a nark right! So that means you have to go outside to look for puff the magic dragon. After a while you hear some weird noises coming from woods that are now strangely covered in fog. So naturally you…

A) Continue getting high as a kite and ramble about how consumerism is destroying the west.
B) Use the weed to give you courage to knock at the final girl’s room, then make gentle love to her when she lets you in, pun intended.
C) Follow the noise in the woods; it might lead you either to a leprechaun riding a unicorn carrying a sack of gold or a grizzly gruesome death.

Why waste my breath, you’re high so your brain is currently on a holiday in Ibiza. In the empty void that is now your skull you decide to follow the noise because it might lead to something really awesome like a sorority house built right next to a playboy mansion holiday house. Once in the woods, instead of seeing sexy red laced bras, the only red you are seeing the blood running from your gut at Michael Myers plunges a very dirty pitch fork into your spleen. The lessons here are can also be found coming from your parents or Mr Mackey’s mouth, drugs are bad mkay! Also if you hear a strange noise never go and investigate, just run under your covers and pull the duvet over your head. Jason can’t kill you, if he can’t see you, right?
Because no one really cared about the pothead anyway, its only until like two days later that you finally realize the guy is missing, but being the nice guy you are you suggest that everyone should look for him. The jock thinks it’s a good idea if everyone splits up to find him, and your reaction is…

A) Fuck that! Haven’t you ever seen Scooby doo, never split up. We stay together no matter what! Even if I have to shower or shit next to you guys, I’ll do it.
B) Okay, decide to go with the final girl because you think it will be your chance to get a hand job
C) Yes, but only if you get to partner up with jock and can bring a bazooka and a machete with you.

I know, I know that the jock is a douche, but his a 240 pound championship winning douche. The jock is big guy and I rather have him by the side then a 120 pound girl who regards yoga as working out. But you are just a man, and when the blood rushes to your privets, it means it rushes out of your brain. But fear not, because that same blood will be rushing out of your leg soon, as it is slowly sawed off by Norman Bates. This rule is critical so listen up Fred, NEVER SPLIT UP!

Okay so you are the slutty cheerleader and you are with the jock, however instead of searching for your friend who has been gone for two days in the WOODS and is possibly hurt or dead. You decide that this possibility is an aphrodisiac and decide to go skinny dipping in a local lake, you ignore the sign that states its name as ‘Crystal Lake’ which just happens to be the location of string of murders a few year back reported on the newspaper, but of course you don’t read newspapers. Halfway through love making on the sand post naked swim, you catch a glimpse of a strange figure peeping at you behind some bushes. But when you look again in that direction with more scrutiny, you realise he’s no longer there, do you…

A) Grab your clothes, and quickly hitchhike to the nearest monastery and renounce your slutty cheerleader ways and live out the rest of your life as nun.
B) Stop the jock in mid thrust and ask him to find out who that person was
C) Just stay there and continue doing the nasty

This one is an easy one because they are two correct courses of action in C and A, maybe both won’t lead to safety, namely C. But just like in Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday at least if you’re going to die, at least die in the middle of doing something you love. However if you choose B, then the jock who only uses 1 percent of his brain instead of, will obviously do what you say and end up getting beheaded with his trousers around his ankles. While you on other hand will see this, run away and trip on the smoothest terrain possible, allowing the crazed hillbilly to merely moonwalk up to you. When in Rome do as the Romans do, but when Rome is Jason Voorhees’s back yard, don’t have sex! Like ever!

The horror film is now drawing to its final climax, you are the final girl and the nice guy seemingly sacrificed himself to keep you safe. It’s just you and the killer who’s on the other side of the door which you are pressed up against. You can no longer keep the brute at bay; in front of you is the stairs to the basement on your left and on the right is the back door. You know this is a make it or break it situation, so in the heat of the moment you decide to dash downstairs, but I’ll let you off on that decision because you’re under a lot of stress and when you go downstairs you find an old rusty water pipe. Like a bloodhound somehow the killer is able to track you down, but you have the upper hand as you swing at him you able to knock down to the ground. He looks dead, so what do you do next…

A) Drop down to your knees right there in a mixture of relief and violent sobs, while behind you in the background the killer suddenly erects.
B) Run out towards the car and be surprised when you find the killer is in your back seat
C) Take your smart phone out and bitch slap the killer so you can have something funny to put on Vine and Worldstar Hip-Hop.

Yeah I know this one has no right answer and that’s because it’s so damn obvious what you are supposed to do in this situation. I don’t care if you’re a priest, a pacifist or have a nervous disposition towards seeing blood, you grab the nearest blunt or sharp object and you go town on that suckers head. Heck bring a painting canvas as you do it and let the blood splatter all of it, you can sell it as a Sydney Pollock painting and make millions. There is no such thing as overkill in a horror film, because for some reason it seems that the key to immortality and invulnerability is being a homicidal maniac with a passion for murdering college kids. The most important lesson in all slasher horror films is always double tap for the killer.
Alright the killer is still alive and somehow as the nice guy you find a away to survive being stabbed by a machete. It’s just you and the final girl and you’re running from the killer and the final girl trips over like all women do in horror films. What do you do…

A) Fuck dat bitch I’m going home
B) Fuck dat bitch I’m going home
C) Kill her so you will be the last to survive
D) You still really want that hand job, so you go back for help her

I would gladly go for the top two answers, but technically the best answer would be C, because with the final girl not being the final girl, you can slap a wing on your head and call yourself Samantha and celibacy ring on your finger, because that will pretty much guarantee your survival. For some strange reason killing a 240 pound jock is walk in the park, but the tree hugging book nerd is harder than Where’s Wally with a blind fold on. Is that a bird, no it’s a plane… no its superman, so you feel it’s your imperative objective to save the final girl. Congratulations you are a hero; you earned that hand job, but at the last minute before you get one. She suddenly dies a gruesome death anyway because of a drunken night stand she had last year on her birthday. Unlucky son.

From the few we have learned, what are the top ten rules of surviving a horror film?
1. No sex
2. Double tap
3. Don’t investigate strange noises when you are by yourself at night
4. Burn down all cabins in woods, haunted houses, grave yards, houses made of wax or any other places that has a open door policy for all homicidal killers, ghosts and zombies.
5. Never split up
6. Say no to drugs
7. Listen to crazy old men
8. Don’t piss of hillbillies
9. Don’t be a cheerleader or a jock, just stay away from all team sports in general
10. Always carry a stake, holy water, a gun and silver bullet, a ghost buster kit, a flute, a cell phone with unlimited reception and a subway card when you get hungry.

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