I Can Never be the Same Again

broken

Physical pain is a blessing in disguise. The physical is temporary and after the initial tidal wave of agony, your body eventually returns to calm and tranquillity. But emotional pain cuts deeper than any knife ever could. The emotional plunges your entire world into darkness and slowly pecks away at your soul, until you feel completely broken and empty inside.

I can never be the same again. Once upon a time looking back at old photographs of myself being silly and carefree, used to fill me up with a life affirming warmth and a joy that would serge through my body like a pleasant electric current. Now those same pictures are like looking into the eyes of a stranger, leaving me cold with the feeling that I’m a mere ghost of my former self, drifting alone and aimlessly through a foggy field.

I can never be the same again. Once upon a time I felt bold enough to take on the world. I had plans to conquer Everest, swim in every ocean and fall in love in Paris. Now I’m even too scared to leave my front door. My room has now become my last remaining solace and protection from the monsters lurking in the darkness outside, hungry and waiting to swallow me up.

I can never be the same again. Once upon a time the optimism in my soul shone brighter than the sun and my heart was full of trust. In my head every stranger on the street was really a friend just waiting to be discovered. Now I’ve lost all faith in human nature; every shifty eye and snarling lip belongs to a demon in disguise, waiting like a Gremlin for the setting sun to reveal their true evil selves.

I can never be the same again. Once upon a time I enjoyed the feeling of a man’s hands roaming around my body, his lips exploring me intimately and finally surrendering to spine arching pleasure. Now the thought of sex fills me up with anxiety and terror. I can’t undress in front of someone without turning my back to them. I can’t prevent all my muscles from tensing up when a man steps too close.

It can never be the same again. Once upon a time love wasn’t only for fairy tales and movie screens, it was something wonderful every one could and should experience. Even the thought of love used to cause a smile to blossom in me and made me giddy with excitement. Now I’m sceptical of everything, even the air I breathe. Love is now a distant memory, a bitter and foreign taste on my lips. Love is a lie everyone tells themselves before they go to sleep.

I can never be the same again because with a rip of my skirt and thrusts of your hips, you’ve savagely and unfairly changed my life beyond recognition. I hate that forever I will have the musk of your sweat burning my nostrils, the feeling of your weight crushing my ribs and the evil in your eyes haunting my nightmares. I hope every day you can feel the damning hate I have for you and I hope it tightens around your neck like a noose and one night it suffocates you while you sleep – you sick, sadistic, heartless rapist.

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