Let me go

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Dear Lisa, my love, my heart…

I know inside of you a searing, burning pain is torturing your insides. I know you want to scream at the top of your lungs until you pass out. I know you are angry at the world with the force of an atomic bomb. I know you hate me right now for asking you to do the very worst and last thing anyone could ever do to the person they truly love; the person they would rather fall into the centre of the sun, then watch them even go a second in pain. Lisa, you have to let me go now. It’s time. Please don’t shed another tear for me or have another sleepless night at my expense. You aren’t condemning me to darkness, you’re freeing me into the light. I want this. Lisa, you have given me so much. You’ve given me the type of life to inspire a symphony and to inspire vibrant flowers to blossom in a grey world, it’s only fitting that you now take it away…

I’m in pain – more pain than I could ever think possible, even in my darkest of nightmares. The type of pain that gruesomely contorts my spine, blurs my vision and plunges my every nerve into a raging inferno. But my physical pain is like a day at the fair, compared to the emotional devastation I see playing again and again behind your eyes, like a bone shuddering horror film that refuses to stop haunting. It’s tearing me apart Lisa. Somebody as beautiful and special like you shouldn’t have to go through what you’re going through right now. Why can some people experience fame, wealth and a life unblighted by misfortune, while you, the most incredible person I will and this unworthy world could ever know, has to deal with this. I’m so sorry Lisa, you don’t deserve it and I don’t deserve you.

Our love story didn’t have a Hollywood beginning; autumn leaves weren’t cascading down when I first saw you across the park and the stars didn’t spell out our names in a cupid’s heart after the first kiss. In actuality, it was a dark car park and you thought I was about to rape you. When in fact I was trying to politely tell you that our cars were identical and you, with a great degree of frustration and swearing – a lot of swearing, was actually trying to get into my car, while yours hilariously was on the opposite side. But of course we always leave out the mistaken rapist part from the story, when we retell it to family and friends. Whilst our first meeting wouldn’t inspire poetry or hit singles, it did go on to become a masterpiece. You were the artist and I was your subject.  We shared the type of love that could last an eternity. That’s why it feels inconceivable that this is how it all ends, not riding forever into a sunset but with pee and shit being pumped out of me and a complexion that makes Voldemort look Italian, while you stand by, helpless, with tears in your eyes.

But despite it all, as the clock moults its last few seconds, I realise the last of my fist clenching rage and exasperated questioning aimed at god, the universe, somebody, asking “why me?” has finally surrendered to serenity and acceptance. No longer am I concerned with my present, instead with a heart full of love and a head full of fond memories, I look back to this life I have lived – and it was some life! I wasn’t crowned king and I didn’t land on the moon, but nothing could have filled me with more pride and happiness then knowing you. You’re once in a humanity type of woman.

Once the machine is off and you walk out of the door, you will be angered to see that the world is still turning like nothing ever happened, cars still driving, children still laughing and people in suits still going to work. You’re going to call the world selfish and heartless for not caring that your greatest love has passed away. But don’t despair, I want the world to keep on turning and changing, because that way the pain in you will eventually subside and you can find life again. I’m ready, it’s time to let me go.

I Love you always and forever, life and death will never keep us apart.

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