1,323 friends. 451 followers. 10,063 views, 159 retweets and myself value remains at 0. Social media is the devils wet dream; he enjoys how it lowers our self-esteem. Thanks to Facebook, longer than I can remember I’ve needed to be seen. Now, my every dream depicts me on stage with all eyes on me.
The attention of others as always felt like a warm embrace, reminding me that I’m not forgotten. That I matter beyond a causal afterthought and fleeting glance. That my presence is forever coveted and never regretted or worse – not felt at all. I have a secret that is invisible to all, but screams at me in the mirror with a ferocious roar. That I can never be enough if I haven’t got the entire digital world in awe
If my name isn’t on everyone’s lips, then I crumble like sandcastles on the beach during high tide. I know this fascination with winning other people’s acceptance will be my demise. But the desire to win the love of strangers is a monster that won’t let me hide. I Yearn to be swept up in media circuses, nourished by a sea of the flashing paparazzi and serenaded by millions of fans asking for a selfie. Every Instagram LIKE fills my mind with validation – I am important. I am strong. I am bigger than the world can hold. But the moment I’m not retweeted – I shrink until I’m small enough to slip through the cracks of existence and into nothingness.
If there was a film based on my happiest moments, it would be one long black screen. How can I be happy, when faced with love or fame– the latter wins every time? When somebody doesn’t Snapchat me I feel wronged like the victim of a crime. In my head I’m a ghost. An extra in a movie scene. The carcass of a once human being.
A victim of emotional self-harm, I don’t use razor blades but the wounds I inflict cut just as deep. Where will this self-hate lead me? I dread to think. I know it would be better to close my laptop and take a walk, escape from the popularity war. But in truth my future is dark; I don’t know what’s in store. All I know is that Social media has turned me into fame hungry whore, with the insatiable appetite for more. So please feed me with your attention, without it I can’t exist if I’m ignored…