Just Friends

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A evening of laughter and teasing finally gave way to a lapse into silence. With my heart banging against my chest, it became impossible to ignore the way…
The street lights brought a glint to your eyes…the way a gentle breeze tussled the loose strands of your hair…and the way your parted and plum lips called out to me.

I just had to, I just had to lean in and kiss you. I couldn’t help it. But to my greatest dismay you recoiled, and even with your crestfallen face, it didn’t hurt any less when your words broke me into tiny little pieces…

“We could never be more than just friends.”

In that moment to save face, I tried to shrug it off as being swept up in the moment. And when I went home I even tired to delude myself into thinking, I could be content with just friendship. But I wasn’t and I couldn’t. May it be lust or love, either way my feelings for you ran deeper.

In the following days I tried to carry on as normal. But as you gushed or complained about past boyfriends, current flings and the type of guys you one day wanted to meet, in truth these were the moments I listened to you most intently. As you spoke, like flowers yearning for sunlight, my ears constantly contorted and reached to grasp at every ray of information that shone from your lips. Such details were the brick and mortar I used to construct your ideal of a perfect man. Yet as aloof, witty and mysterious as I tried to be, frustratingly you were always oblivious to my feeble attempts to shoehorn myself into your Mr. Right.

When such mimicry failed, shamefully I resulted to torturous comparisons between myself and the guys you dated. Leaving me with agonising questioning over why I could never be seen by you in the same light as them. And why I had been sentenced to the suffocating darkness of nonexistance in your eyes.

Then as you spoke about your sex life, behind the laughter and feigned interest each story was like a bullet through my chest. No matter how fleeting or scarce of deeper emotion, I grew jealous that such guys were so easily able to share in the splendour of your body, while to me it remained so agonisingly close yet so far away…

Trapped in a swell of negative emotions, I tired desperately to step away from you in the hopes that your absence would be the remedy to my ills. But it was during this self imposed exile that I realised the things I missed the most about you weren’t your body or beauty, but your friendship and mere presence above all else…

It was at this point the right questions arouse. Why did I need sex to feel close to you or your hand in marriage to feel appreciated by you?
With plenty of soul searching and distance to think, the truth unraveled itself to me. People fall in and out of lust all the time, but what remains a constant is the unshakable bonds of friendship that are always there to catch us when we fall…

As the weeks past, slowly my day dreams of you falling for me or yearning for sex disappeared and eventually I returned to my real self around you again. And as the sands of time fell, I finally learned to be present, content and to stop caring about requiting my love.

It was then I realised that while those random guys got your body for the night, I was gifted with things that were far, far greater…
Your laughter and the way it rang like church bells in my ears.
Your whale heart and the way it could so easily swallow me up with its never ending love and warmth.
And most importantly, your beautiful mind and its amazing ability, with just a few words to instantly change the whole way I saw the world and everything in it.

You say we’re just friends and  finally, I’m okay with that. For I realise now nothing in the world is as important or magical to me as your friendship.

P.S. sorry it took me so long to realise that.

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