I Bleed Love

red

Dear F,

When I cut my veins I don’t bleed the red of blood, I bleed the red of love. I bleed for you. See, sometimes I struggle to feel real, and only you can ground me in reality. But, when you’re not around, I feel just like a ghost drifting in eternity. So, when I slit my wrists, the pain is like a dynamite in my rib cage and the adrenaline rush wakes me up like a snort of cocaine. But F, you’re my only drug – both my uppers and my downers.

When I sleep, the only thing I dream about is you. You’re in all my fantasies too, which is why when I watch porn I only choose actresses that like you. That way, I can imagine what it would be like for us to make love. To take you in my arms and let you whisper sweet nothings in my ears; and I can even cry on your shoulder if I have to. Because the truth is, this fucked up world has me down and out sometimes. That’s why on stormy days I watch raindrops running down the window, and get reminded of the tears always falling down my cheeks. But, tears aren’t always enough. And when I really get down, I’m compelled to crack skulls and break bones. In the dead of night, I run out of my house and look for the biggest dude I can find. And if he ain’t fighting, I’ll show him my knife and give him an ultimatum: either we go fist to fist or I’ll go steel to flesh. Blood is often shed.

I’m fucked up, I know that. I’ve been hearing it my whole life. Ex-girlfriends have been singing it to me like it’s my life’s theme song. But, I know that if we were together, I could hit reset and be born again, have another chance at life. An opportunity to finally do things right. Be a better person or a new man. And I know I should have written to you earlier, but every time I think about you, words just escape me. With all my anxiety, sometimes I struggle to breathe when I’m faced with a blank page like I’m drowning in a sea of white. I don’t need counselling. I just need you in my life forever; a white picket fence and a family car in the driveway, weekend trips and dinner always at six. I just need you like flowers need sunlight. My heart always blooms for you.  I have a wedding ring in my pocket – I hope you say yes and make me the happiest man in the world. But if it’s a no, then I don’t know what I’ll do…

P.S. You and I belong together, forever.

Yours truly, M.

Inspired by Eminem’s Stan 

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                              Part One

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